I was a few months pregnant with my second set of twins before I saw the proof of what was wrong in my marriage. As I soaked belly deep in a tub full of tears I told the Father that I couldn’t go on. The “D” word was in my future, though after watching my faithful parents brave ups and downs I couldn’t have imagined it would ever be. I had cooked him steaks at two in the morning. I wrote love letters. I wore lingerie…I liked lingerie! “I can’t do this!” I sobbed, and all manner of ocean life would have thrived happily in my saltwater bath.
Be real or go home, that’s kinda my blogging motto.
The Father’s response that night wasn’t a cheery “Sure you can!” or even a leading toward divorce. What the Father spoke to my heart so clearly has been my prayer for the past seven years.
“I know you can’t,” He whispered, “but I can. And if you stay, I will make a miracle out of your marriage.” “Something beautiful,” I would later hear. And I’ve waited…and I’ve waited…and I’ve waited though difficult times and separations that I didn’t seek. “Where is this beautiful thing?” I’ve daftly pleaded while watching beautiful children run barefoot over beautiful mountains. Precious times of prayer have fallen back down from Heaven as lovely cascades of tears. As I’ve waited, He’s grown my five amazing children and allowed me to parent them according to His leading. He’s given me vision for ministry and words to write–even words to say.
“Do not shame him, not for one second!” I yelled at my sweet friend who had just discovered porn in her almost ten year marriage. I broke down on the other end of the phone and told her about the words I wished I could take back. “You can never take them back,” I warned sternly, “so watch what you say. Don’t let Satan use you in his life. You have to be on his side every second or neither of you will ever win. Look at him with honor and respect and lie close to him in bed tonight. You can do this, through Yeshua you can!”
As I hung up the phone I dropped to the floor, not to pray but because I couldn’t stand. Every ounce of strength was drained from my body and I watched as jealousy and pride crawled eagerly toward me. In that moment in my incredible weakness I just wanted my marriage back. I didn’t want to help others mend theirs! Then I wept out of pain that runs deeper than blood and screamed, “Is this my something beautiful?!”
My inbox is filled with heartbreaking prayer requests from women too precious to ignore, and my sent folder is filled with replies. “Is this my something beautiful?”
If you gripe to me about your marriage I will probably take your husband’s side and encourage you to change the person you can change—you.
“Is this my something beautiful?”
I would still love to see my marriage restored and would eagerly welcome a healed husband home, but I believe that this, here and now, is my something beautiful. So I am here, eager to serve and to share my mistakes and my victories. I will cry with you at three in the morning, and I will count your successes as my own. Is this the fulfillment of something beautiful that God promised to bring through my marriage? Only He knows that; but if it’s all there ever is, it’s enough.
Hi, I’m Sarah, and I’m a single mom with a marriage ministry. Children and families are my passion. I’m a has been (or never was) mommy blogger who is truly humbled to be here, and I can’t wait to get to know you all.